Just Wanted To Point This Out

Both Madea and Ernest have gone to jail. Is this a remake?

Side Note: I have reviewed some movie posters on this blog, but if you want to take a peek at my competition look at this. The comments are interesting as well. I was almost convinced they were being sarcastic. You have to love the Internet, they let anybody on.

Tom Waits Raps

I'm not talking about presents here. NASA has come out with the new single "Spacious Thoughts" Featuring Kool Keith and... wait for it, even though it's in the title of this post....Tom Waits. I kid you not. I am a kidder at heart but not about this. The track is more of a curiosity than good. You can break your neck to the beat but once Tom warbles in after Kool has his first run at a verse, it's like one of the monster Muppets snuck into the studio and decided to spit some knowledge, kid.

You can check it out here. It's definitely worth one listen.

Here's what Kool Keith looks like with an Elvis wig:

I heart Hip Hop.

Links: Parties, TV, Obama, Mark Trail, Superpowers and Doodles

Since I started blogging, I've been looking at other blogs to see what I could steal...I mean...uh...steal. And I came across some good ones.

Photos from other peoples parties. This blog makes you feel sorry for other people or nostalgic or both.

Taking pictures of your TV, eh? Who wants to see that?

The country is broke(n). These guys are giving Obama an estimate for repairs.

You know that comic strip in the newspaper you never read and didn't know anybody that did? This guy makes it hilarious.

Useless Superpowers. Hey I've got a useless superpower: your mom. Damn, I should have said Russia instead. Oh well. There are no second chances in the bolgosphere.

A sketchbook of illustrated thoughts. Drawing your thoughts might be better than writing them down in a snarky blog.

Review: Oscar Nominations! Are you F-ing Kidding Me?

The Oscar nominations are out. They came out like last week or so, I'm just getting to it now. Beggars can't be choosers so shut it.
Again, I told you so. Actually I get a couple of 'I told you so's.'

First I predicted the Oscars were going to be boring and the award show is well on its way to Lamesville with these nominations. I'm not saying I don't agree with some of the nominations. But they're not inspiring, are they? Case in point Frank Langella is nominated for best "performance by an actor in a leading role" for Frost/Nixon aka Face/Off. I can be down with that, I like Frank, I mean he was Skeletor for god's sake. He has come a long way from playing the physical incarnation of all the evil in the universe to playing Nixon. (That joke is for all the hippies that read my blog. I could have been a writer for the Smothers Brothers with that one.) But overall boring, safe, forgettable movies were nominated and that does not translate to an exciting show. Come on Academy, get it together! I mean come on!

So, if you haven't yet, you should take a look at my review of The Wrestler, because the nomination of Marissa Tomei is, well, interesting. Again, I told you so. Academy voters love actresses to play hussies. They love it. It's such a stretch for an actress to act like a slut. That was mean.

If you're a dude and want an Oscar, play a famous dead guy or a handicapped person. Sean Penn and Mickey Rourke respectively. Or, on the other hand if you are a female you need to play a perpetually naked whore or be Meryl Streep. Meryl Streep and Meryl Streep respectively. I just keep waiting for the Oscars to take some chances and reward the influential films and filmmakers for the right films in the right year, instead of doing it retroactively years later for lesser work. (Look up Martin Scorsese and see what I mean.) It's like a make up foul a referee calls in a game for a bad call they made earlier. That is not right. It's pretty lame and... I should stop caring.

Some more notable noms:

The Reader got a few Nominations including best picture. All of the Mary Kay Letourneau's out there are getting together and throwing a party Oscar night. I would go but I'm too old.

I feel Angelina Jolie's Nomination for Changeling came about like this:
Academy President: 'We're nominating Marisa Tomei again? Angelina is not going to be happy about this..."

Some time in the near future I'll give my predictions. Hope you look forward to it! I'm not.

Movie Poster Review: The Pink Panther 2

Have you ever seen a poster for a sequel and think, "Did that movie do well enough to warrant another one?" If you have, then here comes The Pink Panther 2 to make you scratch your head in confusion again! The good thing about only reviewing the poster for a movie is that I don't actually have to see it. And so, with that in mind here is the Movie Poster Review of The Pink Panther 2.

Sigh. Ok. Well, it's Steve Martin and he's, uh, somehow fallen into a pink paw print...and um, jeez guys come on. I forgot they remade this classic film the first time around and I feel that forgetting about the first one was a good thing. This movie is a waste. It's a waste of good actors and a waste of a classic film franchise. The only good thing about this movie is that it created jobs. Why could they not leave poor Peter Sellers alone? This poster is a symbol of everything wrong with Hollywood. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

So, on February 6th instead of seeing this, sigh, movie... see something original and new. The poster is even cooler:

Amazing Baby

I told you I would give you a baby, and here it is! I always, always, deliver on my promises. Amazing Baby is a band from New York that just formed last year. They released an EP that is available for a free download and they are damn good. So be ahead of the curve on this one, download the EP and be one of those people to brag about how you knew them before anybody else did and how they aren't as good as they used to be now that they have gotten so popular. Want to impress that waifish guy with the beard wearing a Grizzly Bear T-shirt at your local dive bar? Need a topic to strike up a conversation with the girl in the in the cat-eye glasses reading Art Forum at Buzz Coffee? All you have to say is "Have you heard of Amazing Baby?" You'll knock their indie-elitist socks off (They tend to wear argyle).

Three Links and a Baby

Do you like 'Loading' screens? There is a place for you to go and feel accepted.

I love judging a book by its cover.

Growing Up Star Wars: 1975-1985 you'll like this even if you're not a complete dork.

I lied about the baby. Maybe next time.

Golden Globes Round-Up!

I'm not a big fan of the Golden Globes. I kinda, sorta watched it. But what kind of critic would I be if I didn't write something about the brass balls of the awards season? So for all of you that asked for it (nobody), I give you the Anthropomorphic Critics' Golden Globe Round-Up!

It sucked. Seriously, what a joke this award ceremony is. But it does look like a really fun party. Television shows get to rub elbows with feature films. Feature films get to go slumming with TV shows, maybe get lucky and then never call. Celebs seem to get plastered pretty quick during the telecast, there must be an open bar. I'm pretty sure I could have scored with Drew Barrymore that night. I would tell her I was in My Morning Jacket or Reel Big Fish or something, I hear she really digs musicians (Her hair looks like she got some action before the red carpet anyways). I, however, found myself looking for household chores to do whenever an actor was presenting or accepting an award. This is because watching them try to be funny and/or drone on about how much they appreciate everybody that has supported them is excruciating to watch...

T.A.C. and PBS bring to you, Theater Now!, supported by the Annenberg Foundation and people like you. Tonight Theater Now! presents: The Golden Globes: An One Act Play By The Anthropomorphic Critic

The Anthropomorphic Critic sitting on a davenport in front of a TV that has rabbit ear antennas.

Coming from the TV is the voice of Tony Shalhoob: ...and the winner is ....Anna Paquin for True Blood!

The Anthropomorphic Critic gets up and goes in the kitchen to wash dishes for 15 minutes.

Fin

Why don't I like the Golden Globes you ask? Well, One: I never, ever get invited. Two: I don't believe The Hollywood Foreign Press actually exists. Who are these people? Why are they giving awards away? I think The Hollywood Foreign Press is just one old dude that lives in Hollywood, but is originally from someplace foreign, like Canada or Puerto Rico or Maine, who likes TV and movies and can't believe he has taken it this far. Like he threw a party every year that no one came to, gave out awards to actors he liked, and then one year Harrison Ford actually showed up because he heard there was an open bar. The rest is history!

They do like 30 Rock and Mad Men so they can't be that bad.

Can I say I told you so about Mickey Rourke? Because I totally called that in this very blog! I'm so glad that old dude from Maine agrees with me.

Looking into the future, the Academy Awards seems primed for a real snoozefest. So I can't wait for that... I'm going to get a lot of housework done that night. My suggestion: Throw an Academy Awards Party. Make sure there is a lot of booze, and then don't watch the ceremony. Play Scene It or Janga or The Paper Game (If you don't know The Paper Game, write me, I'll give you the scoop) just something, anything, other than watching the Academy Awards.

Well this wasn't really a Golden Globes Round-Up. But you didn't come here for that kind of bullshit, did you? You can go visit some other fan-boy blog for that kind of tripe. Sorry. Didn't mean to get so harsh. It's just...I really don't like the Golden Globes.

L.A. Hearts Food

So when people think of Los Angeles, good food isn't one of the first things to pop in your mind like it does with New Orleans or Chicago. Photos of actresses coming out of cars with underwear-less crotches and earthquakes probably come to mind before food does. And that's just not right. There are some great places to eat in this godforsaken city. Here are two.

Asahi Ramen

Right there in the kind confines of Sawtelle Blvd is Asahi Ramen noodle house. This is the place you go for a piping hot bowl of comforting ramen. It is tiny and cash only, like a true Ramen House. The wait staff is extremely friendly and lovable. I daydream about the ramen they serve there. This is not your 10 cent store bought ramen I am talking about here. This is Tampopo grade noodles. So on those chilly L.A. winter days, I suggest you stop in and grab a bowl. And then pick me up a little vinyl figurine from Giant Robot while you are there, as a thank you for recommending the place.

Pann's

You will not, I repeat, You Will Not find better diners or coffee shops in any other city than Los Angeles. L.A. has the best and over there by Inglewood is the cream of the crop, Pann's. Inglewood might be up to no good, but Pann's is freaken' fabulous. One reason to go is the place it self. It's one of the best remaining representations of the "Googie" Style architecture that places like 101 Coffee Shop try to reproduce. But Pann's is the real deal, the place has a retro look with a homey feel. It's like eating in a coffee shop from the future, but how the 1960's pictured the future to be, not the actual future. The best reason to go, though, is the food, I mean look at this:
See? This was amazing. I would even say yummy. That hot chocolate was so good I finished it before I could take the photo. You've probably been by Pann's if you have ever gone to LAX to catch a plane. So next time, stop in. It's hella good. You won't be disappointed.

Warning- The bathrooms are kinda weird. You'll see what I mean when you go.

Six-Word Memoirs

So I got a book for Christmas called, Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six-Word Memoirs By Writers Famous And Obscure. It's a good read. Very interesting what people are able to express in only six words. Some are better than others, of course. But this post isn't about the book. Oh no, not by a long shot.
It's about my new time wasting, I-should-be-getting-shit-done-but-I-can't-stop-reading-this, website. Brought to you by Smith Magazine Six Word Memoirs lets you read what people write, summing up their life in just six words. Anybody can contribute, you don't have to be a writer or famous. But it doesn't hurt. Again, some are better than others, of course. I haven't written one yet. If I can't decide what t-shirt is 'me' at Urban Outfitters, how am I supposed to be able to sum up my life in six words? How people ever decide on what tattoo to get I'll never know. How's this for a six word memoir?:

Losing my hair, now I blog.

Hey that's not bad. Maybe I'll submit it.

Update! 01/14/09: Dude! NPR ran a story about this same thing connecting it to a competition for a six word long inaugural speech. TAC-1 NPR-0

Side Note: Possible Tattoo Option #1. I'm thinking maybe covering my entire back with it. Yes? No?

Holiday Movie Review

Yep, I was on holiday and I saw two movies, Yes Man and Bedtime Stories. I know, right? I was surprised these were the films I saw as well. So, which veteran comedic actor made the better film? Here's a hint: The worst of the two beforehand mentioned films main actor's name rhymes with banana-fanna Fim Farey.

Yes Man


Jim Carey will break your heart. Seriously, because this movie is awful. It makes you yearn for his heyday of wacky faced comedies. Except for Me Myself and Irene, that movie is atrocious. I just don't understand how Yes Man got made. Hey look! He's bungee jumping! Isn't that crazy?

Here's what the movie is about:

Jim Carey is some guy called something else other than Jim Carey. John Michael Higgins takes not-Jim to a seminar where he is told to always say yes. So not-Jim says yes to everything in the movie. Hence the title. Hilarity ensues. (I lied in that last part. There is no hilarity to be found).

Jim can still make you laugh, but not enough in this film to warrant seeing it (I go to the Arclight Goddamnit. It's 'spensive!). The plot and writing are just lazy and, well, dumb. They aren't appealing to the lowest common denominator here. Those hicks would think this was a dumb movie as well. Larry the Cable Guy he is not.

Kinda surprising is the performance of the multi-talented Zooey Deschanel. And I'm not just saying that because she is adorable (Damn that Ben Gibbard. Why couldn't you die young like a real rock'n roller?). She doesn't just "keep up" with Jim in this movie, she becomes the only reason to see it. Reminder: Don't see this film. I was just trying to make a point.

Fans of The Flight of the Conchords will be saddened to know that Rhys Darby is in the film. Danny Masterson is also in it playing Hyde from That 70's Show. I'm not sure why.

I think I have written enough about this movie. I give it a star (One star = Don't waste your time unless it's on TV, you're hungover and for some reason Die Hard isn't on).

Bedtime Stories

Bedtime Stories staring Adam Sandler isn't half bad. Kids will love it and you will be entertained.
It's about Adam telling Bedtime stories to his niece and nephew and the stories sorta come true the next day. It doesn't tie up all the loose ends at the...uh...end. But, Who cares? It's a kids movie. Stop being such a dickweed.

Keri Russell (who is also adorable), Guy Perice, and Zena the Princess Warrior give fun and upbeat performances. Oh, and Courtney Cox shows up for a bit. I am giving Nick Swordson the Most Random Cameo In A Film Award for his part in the movie. And you don't need to ask, but I'll tell you anyway, Rob Schneider is in it (The Most Random Cameo In A Film Award is named after him. I call it the Scheider).

It's a lot more fun to write about a film you hate than a film you kinda like. Hmmm. Anyway that's all for my Holiday movie round-up!

Here, I will leave you with this performance because it makes me happy and it should make you happy as well. Damn you to hell Ben Gibbard! Damn you to hell......

Merry Christmas From Sean Combs and The Anthropomorphic Critic

I am king. No words ever uttered were more true. I am king. And you can be too if you buy this eu du toilet. Merry Christmas, I got you Diddy's scent, enjoy.
Really? Seriously? I Am King? Am I missing something?
Remember when he was rapping with M-A-dollar$ign-E back in the day? That I can get behind, not this. If I get this for Christmas and that little spritzer contains anything other than his vodka I'm going to be pissed. Broken glass, everywhere.

I don't know who that guy is in the background so I named him Ian. Thanks for being a part of the cause Ian! Welcome to the blog.

The Real Far Side: And now Edgar's gone... something's going on around here

This is why I still have faith in people. Because these people think it's a good idea to recreate 20+ year old comics from The Far Side. And it is a good idea. Although, makes me wonder about the state of the Sunday Comics page when people haven't stopped talking about The Far Side and Calvin and Hobbes, when there hasn't been any new comics from these guys in years. Does the current Sunday comics suck that bad? That's fodder for another post.

Side note: Please, please take off that sticker of Calvin peeing that's on your car. You've done enough damage already.

Movie Review: The Wrestler

Mickey Rourke will break your heart.

The Wrestler is one of the best movies of 2008 and Mickey Rourke and his beef stroganoff of a face has the performance of his career as Randy "The Ram" Robinson. The cinematography is unsettling and the story simple. Director Darren Aronofsky does not resort to gimmicky film making. Marisa Tomei is totally naked with nipple piercings. Again, Mickey Rourke will break your heart.

I don't want to give plot synopsis, the idea of writing one already gives me a headache, so I stole this from IMDB:

"Back in the late '80s, Randy "The Ram" Robinson (Mickey Rourke) was a headlining professional wrestler. Now, twenty years later, he ekes out a living performing for handfuls of diehard wrestling fans in high school gyms and community centers around New Jersey. Estranged from his daughter (Evan Rachel Wood) and unable to sustain any real relationships, Randy lives for the thrill of the show and the adoration of his fans. As his sense of identity starts to slip away, he begins to evaluate the state of his life -- trying to reconnect with his daughter, and striking up a blossoming romance with an exotic dancer (Marisa Tomei) who is ready to start a new life. Yet all this cannot compare to the allure of the ring and passion for his art, which threatens to pull Randy "The Ram" back into his world of wrestling."

That pretty much sums it up.

The Wrestler is a tender film telling a tragic yet very American story of the price you pay for living your dreams and for living in the past. On the surface, the film seems to make a statement about the violent and drug riddled culture of professional wrestling and of our society's hunger for dispensable heroes. But underneath the film is about the seemingly inconsequential decisions people make that can redeem or destroy a person's life. I was teary eyed the whole movie. I don't get teary eyed at movies, ask anyone.

For the first ten minutes of the film you don't see Mickey's face, which is probably a good thing (Zing!). The camera follows the wrestler from behind as we watch him go through the motions after a bout in the ring. It gives a documentary feel to the film, but it also gives a feeling of despair and uncertainty. Professional wrestling might be "fake" but you won't be saying that anytime soon after you see this movie. It is very real to Randy "The Ram" and it becomes very real to you. I was reminded at several parts of the 1999 wrestling documentary Beyond the Mat, especially the story of former WWF (WWE? WWWhatever) wrestler Jake "The Snake" Roberts.

Oh and for about 80% of her screen time Marisa Tomei is naked or partially nude. She does play a stripper, but at one point I was counting the scenes she wasn't nude in. I think it's four. She's in the movie a lot. I don't think she's winning another Oscar here. (I hope not, it seems the Academy only gives best actress awards when actresses play whores, prostitutes or strippers). But she delivers a very strong and authentic performance.

Rourke carries the film on his broken back. Dialogue is at a minimum and half of his lines are grunts and strained breathing. It is mesmerizing for some reason. It is his best performance ever and it is one of the best performances this year.

It's not an easy movie to watch. I saw it by myself in a sold out theater and I sat between two women, one older (50's?) and one younger ( I have no idea, uh, 24?), and they both had to turn away at several scenes. They had to look away because the violence was too bloody and brutal in the ring and it was too distressing and heart wrenching outside.

Overall I give it a perfect score of...um...3, no 5...5, 5 uh, stars? No. Damn I don't know, just go see the film.

Album Review: The Hold Steady- Stay Positive

Over the summer The Hold Steady released their 4th full-length album Stay Positive. I would have given my review back then but I didn’t have a blog yet and I was still jamming to (insert insipid singer/celebrity/Jonas brother) ‘s album, anyway. So here’s my review…now.

The Hold Steady has done for Minnesota what Bruce Springsteen did for New Jersey, but on a much, much smaller scale. I mean, have you heard of them? Well, you should know them, they rock. Back in 2004 they burst on the scene with the mostly live Almost Killed Me and ever since they solidified themselves as the best bar band in America. With songs filled with questionable women, and catholic guilt The Hold Steady transplant the young heroes from Springsteen ballads over to the twin cities and they are doing much worse than they were back in Jersey. If you were to judge Minneapolis just by the sex, drug, and violence filled songs of THS, you would think it was Detroit or something.

Craig Finn belts out his bombastic, ambivalent lyrics as if he had a mouth full of marbles and then got hit in the face with a beer bottle. The band’s bravado and reputation rest on Finn’s whiskey soaked shoulders and he backs it up with a staring-up-from-the-gutter lyrical storytelling that is reminiscent of Bukowski and Tom Waits. The band brings with it a sound of Thin Lizzy and Springsteen playing at a frat party or in a garage next door. THS are as fun as they sound and they really, really do rock. If the Replacements were your best friend from Minnesota, The Hold Steady are the drunk, degenerate friend of the Replacements that you wish they didn’t always bring over to your parties.

For fans of the Hold Steady the words “polished” and “highly produced” for an album of theirs would be a signal of the end, a jumping of the shark, a nuking of the fridge, if you will. To worry is understandable. Same thing happened with Liz Phair when she went corporate with her album… Liz Phair. But I am here to tell you there is no need to worry. They didn't sell out. Just as Liz Phair fans must have been relived when they saw there was a track titled H.W.C., you can be assured that Stay Positive doesn’t deliver a water downed THS, but pours us a double whiskey, coke, no ice.

Stay Positive starts off with a guitar smokin' Constructive Summer, about drinking on a water tower, and it doesn’t look back. Unlike their previous efforts, though, they do take a breath for a couple of tracks and slow it down for some melancholic reflection in, Lord, I’m Discouraged and Both Crosses. But overall, the entire album is meant to be played in a dive bar at full volume with people singing along off key and intoxicated girls dancing in front of the speakers. I personally can’t get enough of Sequestered in Memphis, about spending the night with a wanted girl, and the brazen Slapped Actress. I love these songs by the titles alone.

So if you are a old fan of The Hold Steady you probably have this album already. But If you haven’t gotten it yet because you’re a music snob bastard, I’m telling you now, get it. A good outcome that comes from a more polished sound is the band being more accessible to those that have not heard of THS yet. So if you want to take a taste test of The Hold Steady this is a good album to start with.

Bottom line, rock isn’t dead. Nickleback didn’t kill it. It’s alive and well, singing, drinking and living with a strung out girl in St. Paul.