January 14, 2009

Golden Globes Round-Up!

I'm not a big fan of the Golden Globes. I kinda, sorta watched it. But what kind of critic would I be if I didn't write something about the brass balls of the awards season? So for all of you that asked for it (nobody), I give you the Anthropomorphic Critics' Golden Globe Round-Up!

It sucked. Seriously, what a joke this award ceremony is. But it does look like a really fun party. Television shows get to rub elbows with feature films. Feature films get to go slumming with TV shows, maybe get lucky and then never call. Celebs seem to get plastered pretty quick during the telecast, there must be an open bar. I'm pretty sure I could have scored with Drew Barrymore that night. I would tell her I was in My Morning Jacket or Reel Big Fish or something, I hear she really digs musicians (Her hair looks like she got some action before the red carpet anyways). I, however, found myself looking for household chores to do whenever an actor was presenting or accepting an award. This is because watching them try to be funny and/or drone on about how much they appreciate everybody that has supported them is excruciating to watch...

T.A.C. and PBS bring to you, Theater Now!, supported by the Annenberg Foundation and people like you. Tonight Theater Now! presents: The Golden Globes: An One Act Play By The Anthropomorphic Critic

The Anthropomorphic Critic sitting on a davenport in front of a TV that has rabbit ear antennas.

Coming from the TV is the voice of Tony Shalhoob: ...and the winner is ....Anna Paquin for True Blood!

The Anthropomorphic Critic gets up and goes in the kitchen to wash dishes for 15 minutes.


Why don't I like the Golden Globes you ask? Well, One: I never, ever get invited. Two: I don't believe The Hollywood Foreign Press actually exists. Who are these people? Why are they giving awards away? I think The Hollywood Foreign Press is just one old dude that lives in Hollywood, but is originally from someplace foreign, like Canada or Puerto Rico or Maine, who likes TV and movies and can't believe he has taken it this far. Like he threw a party every year that no one came to, gave out awards to actors he liked, and then one year Harrison Ford actually showed up because he heard there was an open bar. The rest is history!

They do like 30 Rock and Mad Men so they can't be that bad.

Can I say I told you so about Mickey Rourke? Because I totally called that in this very blog! I'm so glad that old dude from Maine agrees with me.

Looking into the future, the Academy Awards seems primed for a real snoozefest. So I can't wait for that... I'm going to get a lot of housework done that night. My suggestion: Throw an Academy Awards Party. Make sure there is a lot of booze, and then don't watch the ceremony. Play Scene It or Janga or The Paper Game (If you don't know The Paper Game, write me, I'll give you the scoop) just something, anything, other than watching the Academy Awards.

Well this wasn't really a Golden Globes Round-Up. But you didn't come here for that kind of bullshit, did you? You can go visit some other fan-boy blog for that kind of tripe. Sorry. Didn't mean to get so harsh. It's just...I really don't like the Golden Globes.

1 comment:

  1. have you played the paper game where you alternate between sentences and pictures? the picture represents the previous phrase, and the next person writes a phrase to represent the last persons picture, and so on. great fun, and somehow always ends up as a dirty story about abe lincoln. also, you should ask nick how to play the bad ass version of jenga that he learned from the prostitutes in thailand. if he tries to pretend that he doesnt know what youre talking about you can threaten him with this.