June 8, 2009

Review of Rotten Tomatoes Reviews of The Hangover

I like to read reviews after I see a movie. I do it for a couple of reasons One: I don't want to learn too much about a film and build up any expectations. Two: I don't want someone's opinion rattling around in my head while I'm watching the film. But I do like to read what other people thought about the movie, good or bad. So after I saw The Hangover I decided to see what the guys who get paid to critique movies thought. I went to Rotten Tomatoes and took a look around. I'll just say here that I liked the Hangover. It's a fun, dirty ride and has consistent laughs throughout. But this isn't my review of the movie, no, this is my review of the reviews.

Lesser know critics say...

Creative Loafing
"This represents the worst sort of pandering slop, the type that appeases impressionable audiences who don't even realize they're being insulted."

Matt thinks he is smarter than the general audience. He uses phrases like "pandering slop" so he just might be. He's also obnoxious because he uses phrases like "pandering slop." The whole review was written in this I'm-too-cool-for-film-school manner. Who wants to read that? Not me. I give the review a C-

Tricia Olszewski
Washington City Paper
"Unless you find the man-infant Galifianakis appealing, you%u2019ll [sic] surely spend The Hangover wistfully remembering the days when Will Ferrell made good movies and Luke Wilson was still relevant."

Tricia obviously doesn't know who Zach Galifinakis is. Know who does? The New York Times. Congratulations Tricia I give you a D for not doing your research.

Brian Tallerico
Movie Retriever
"When the years have passed and the buzz has worn off, I honestly feel that people will look back at The Hangover and wonder what they laughed at in 2009. It's the Zima of movie comedies."

Brian fancies himself a fortune teller of sorts, the film critic gig is just until his future predictions get some recognition. My guess is that Brian misses Zima. My grade for this review: C

Commercial Appeal (Memphis, TN)
"If there's a problem with 'The Hangover' (and other films of its ilk), it's the at best ambivalent, at worst hostile relationship to women..."

John is looking for a girlfriend. He's tried being both the sensitive film critic and then the art house asshole to no avail. So it seems that he's now going for the Women Studies graduates. His chances of scoring? D-

"The juxtaposition of the characters is ingenious. This is one of the funniest movies I've seen in a long time."

I think me and Dianna can hang. She gets an A- The minus is because I don't agree with her on the character "juxtaposition." It's not ingenious, it's nonexistant. Hey Diana want to discuss it over a few drinks?

...Ok here are a few of the big boys. What did they say?

Top Critic Icon Top Critic
"This is a bromance so primitive it's practically Bro-Magnon. "

Top Critic Icon Top Critic
"Memento meets Old School? It's party time. "

Top Critic Icon Top Critic
"What hangover? This movie is safe as milk. "

WTF? What are these guys talking about? "Bro-Magnon?" "Memento?" "Safe as milk?" Are they just writing nonsense to see if anybody out there is still reading their reviews?

There's a reason people don't like us critics. I'm just helping to point out what, specifically, that is.

June 7, 2009

Moral Of The Story

Moral of the story: Don't Adopt.

The Hangover
Moral of the story: Your friends are dicks.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Moral of the story: Robots have no respect for ancient historical sites.

Imagine That

Moral of the story: Eddie Murphy is the shell of the man he used to be.

Moral of the story: Guinea pigs have access to automatic weapons.

Garfield: He's Funny Now

When I was a kid I loved the Sunday comics. My dad used to read them to me using different funny voices for each of the characters with his breath smelling of coffee. One of my favorite comics was Garfield. Little did I know in my childhood innocence how unfunny or nonsensical the Garfield strip really is. Well, other "fans" of the strip, with more time on their hands than I have, are out there making Garfield actually funny.

The best of these asks the question: What happens when you erase Garfield entirely out of the comic? The answer is a lot a jokes at the expense of a schizophrenic loner named Jon. Garfield Minus Garfield.

I'm going to follow this up with an oldie but a goodie, Lasagna cat.

I bet you were just waiting for that mash-up. You can see more here. I recommend you do.