March 22, 2009

Movie Review: Watchmen

Not a review really. This film has been reviewed enough. You've seen it or you haven't and you liked it or you didn't. The question is not whether Watchmen was worth the hype. The question now is: What do I have to say about it? Well I have 5 things to say about it.

1) Not that I'm saying anything groundbreaking here, but Zack Snyder needs to cut back on the slo-mo effects. Seriously, how much slo-mo do you need? Without the slow motion scenes the movie would be 93 minutes instead of 3 hours.
2) The soundtrack is atrocious. The soundtrack is like it was picked out by a high schooler who was just introduced to classic rock and jammed in all of his favorite tracks. Most of the time the music was distracting and confusing. Just because you like "The Sound Of Silence" doesn't mean it should be in your movie.
3) Malin Akerman can't act. I don't know if she could act before Watchmen, but she can't anymore. In a special effects laden film like this the last thing I should be noticing is the acting. But she was that bad. She was even horrible in the sex scene. I'm lying. She wasn't bad in the sex scene. But she sure was naked, doin' it with NiteOwl to a horrible soundtrack.
4) Dr. Manhattans' Blue Penis. There is tons of his blue penis in every scene, it was like smurf porn. The movie went like this: Montage, Blue Penis, slow motion fight scene, Blue Penis, flashback, Blue Penis, sex scene, Blenis, I eat some Good and Plenty's, Bleener. I'm secure enough in my manhood that penis on film doesn't weird me out. I know there is a big divide between men showing it all and women showing it all on film. But come on, Blue Penis is funny.
5) It would have been kinda cool to see the giant dead squid. (You fanboys know what I'm talking about)

I had my problems with the movie but it could have been worse. Much, much worse. It's a superhero film with a soapbox and it didn't entirely fail. Watchmen is at least trying to be loyal to the graphic novel and at the same time just trying to be different. It's a Superhero movie, war movie, melodrama, mystery... I do appreciate the effort.

Bottom line: I bet $50 that in 5 years this film will be moot. The graphic novel on the other hand will be around for a long time. I give it three Blue Penises...I mean stars.

For those of you that couldn't care less about Watchmen, here's a photo of a rare Pink Elephant. Isn't he/she awesome? And I thought I was the only one who was able to see them.

Photo by Mike Holding

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