December 11, 2008

Movie Poster Review: Valkyrie

I'm not a professional critic, I just play one on this blog. That being the case there are advantages and disadvantages to not being a professional critic. Disadvantage: No advanced screening of movies. Advantage: People don't like professional critics (Leonard Maltin excluded, you can't hate that guy. I mean look at his beard!). So I do what I can and I bring you my critique of the Valkyrie movie poster.

Purely based on the movie poster, Valkyrie seems to have potential to be the scariest movie in decades. I don't think that's the angle Tom and Brian were going for on this one. But seriously, this thing freaks me out.

First of all either Tom Cruise grew several inches for the part or they cast midgets in the roles of the other Nazis. The thought of midget Nazis is creepy.

I am then lead to believe that Tom is the Nazi with the heart of gold. And these guys there with him are also Nazis who think Hitler has gone just a little too far this time. Fine. It's a true story. I've heard it before. Whatever. That doesn't take away from the fact they they are still wearing Nazi uniforms. Are you feeling any less uncomfortable if a hockey-mask-wearing, blood-splattered, machete-wielding guy runs up to you and says "I'm here to help!" No? Me either. Am I supposed to root for these guys? It's hard enough to empathize with Tom Cruise in the first place. Now I have to do it with him wearing a Nazi uniform. I'm sorry, it's just not going to happen.

But the aspect of this poster I find most alarming is the background design. It's a blueprint of of the building where they are planning to kill Hitler (Oh, the plot is they are going to kill Hitler, with a bomb. It doesn't work). The table and chairs outline Tom's head like a halo. Ok, probably not intentional...Right? The only color in the whole poster is this red line that snakes from the top, highlights his name, and ends on Tom's head, along with the furniture halo. Now, I might be crazy but I'm pretty sure if you place the poster face up on a turntable and spin it, that red line would form into a swastika. Doesn't it look like it could? Even if it doesn't do that (But I think it will) you don't want anything resembling a swastika on your Nazi-turned-good-guy movie poster. You would want some puppies and ice cream images in the background, in pastels maybe. Not sharp angled lines in blood red.

This movie terrifies me already, and so, I will probably not see it. I recommend you see something else like Role Models. It has a better poster and is pretty much the same story as Valkyrie anyway. Like Clueless is to Emma.

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