Movie Trailer: Paranormal Activity 2

The teaser trailer for Paranormal Activity 2 has landed and this sequel has 100% more babies! And 75% more cameras! I'm glad that the writer/director is listening to Randy's rules for sequels from Scream 2 and kicked it up a notch. 

I'm gonna take a second here to remind my fair readers that the original paranormal activity cost around $15,000 to make. Its worldwide box office gross was $193,298,009. This is a good example of when less is more. The filmmakers hopefully follow their own example. 

Take a look...

My gut is telling me that the dog is not going to survive this movie. Sorry.

My Favorite Monologues: Rocky's Speech to the Russians from Rocky IV

A good friend recommended Rocky's speech from the end of Rocky IV as a good monologue and I couldn't argue with him. Technically it's two monologues if you count the Russian translation of it.

I mean, it's because of this speech that the Berlin wall came down and the Ruskies stopped being pinko commies, right? After the fight he just had with Ivan Draco, Rocky shouldn't be able to stand or give a motivational speech a la Lou Gehrig. Buy hey I shouldn't nitpick, it's Sylvester Stallone, I should be glad he didn't shoot Draco with a grenade tipped arrow.

Man, I love it when the faux Gorbachev stands up and slowly claps.

I was a big Rocky fan as a kid but I was a bigger Mr.T fan. Actually I was more than a fan, Mr.T was a hero of mine and I saw Rocky III in the theater with my older brother. So when Rocky beats Mr. T at the end (oh, um, Spoiler Alert) I totally cried my eyes out in the theater in front of everybody. I was rooting for the bad guy... but it was Mr.T! To the little Anthropomorphic Critic Rocky III was a tragedy. Here's a clip  where Mr. T says "I pity the fool" non-facetiously.

Trailers: The Green Hornet & Somewhere: or Michel Gondry Directed This? & Thank God Sofia Coppola's Back

The Green Hornet trailer has landed and it looks a little, how do you say, oh yes, cliche.  The film is directed by Michel Gondry but you wouldn't know it by watching it.  Would you conclude from this action/comedy trailer that it was directed by the same guy who did Eternal Sunshine or the Science of Sleep? I wouldn't but IMDB tells me otherwise.

And all the talk is about how the Fanboys are complaining about the casting of  Seth Rogen as the playboy/vigilante The Green Hornet. What Fanboys? Aren't the Green Hornet Fanboys just people who used to listen to it on the radio? They should be like 80 years old by now. What Octogenarian is on the Internet complaining about how Seth Rogen can't pull this off? Cameron Diaz is more of a deterrent to seeing this movie than Seth Rogen is. And here's a buried headline for you: Edward Furlong is in it. Edward Furlong! How bizarre is that? It brings a new meaning to "Team Edward."

The car is cool, how can you not like the car?....but the new Kato is no Bruce Lee. And why do all the other blogs and news services call Kato his manservant? I feel really sketchy using that word...manservant.

Another trailer was recently released and this one seems to have a little more potential, you know, in substance. 

Sofia Coppola's new movie, Somewhere, that's the title... Somewhere, looks like she is back in fighting form. In another case of interesting casting choices the main character is played by Stephen Dorff AKA the bad guy from Blade (A real vampire movie, not like all these Twilights and such). Somewhere follows the relationship of a Hollywood actor and his 11 year-old daughter. Sofia might know a little something about that, ya think? 

And, yes, the daughter is another Fanning.......

Awwwww! Hollywood Family Values...

Breaking Bad...if it was a sitcom on ABC

I kinda spoiled it with the title of the post but here's a video from FoD that teaches us that adding a laugh track can totally change the tone of a TV show. It's interesting how if you put a laugh track in Braking Bad it becomes funny, but if you take the laugh track out of Two And A Half Men it doesn't become dramatic...it's just as lame as it ever was.

Breaking Bad is now on ABC - watch more funny videos

Alfred Hitchock Makes a "That's What She Said" Joke

I am not surprised that Alfred Hitchcock tells dirty jokes but I am shocked how old "that's what she said" jokes really are. During a sound test for the movie Blackmail (1929, England's first "Talkie") Hitchcock gets cheeky with actress Anny Ondra. Anny Ondra, besides being a cutie, was married to German Heavyweight boxing champion Max Schmeling. I would not have been ballsy or caddy enough to make a that's-what-she-said joke to Max Scheling's wife, unless I was Joe Louis (If I was Joe Louis I would say "That's what she said" to everybody. What are they going to do? I'm Joe Louis dammit).  But Hitchcock didn't care, even back in 1929 he knew he was Hitchcock.

"...as the girl said to the solider." That is comedic gold! I'm stealing that line. I also love how Hitchcock is talking like a kid being recorded for the first time. Ahhh the talkies, good times, good times.  

Trailer: Norwegian Ninja

While the fat, lazy Hollywood crap machine continues to give us brain-numbing movies like Marmaduke and Killers, Norway (the country) has found out how to make movies AWESOME! Leave it to Norway, the same country that gave us Nazi zombies in Dead Snow, to make the next bat-shit-crazy movie called Norwegian Ninja.  No one expects Norway. I don't remember the last time I even had a thought about Norway that wasn't related to the Winter Olympics. They are a pale, blond-locked, sleeping giant of cinematic insanity.

Oh, and Norwegian Ninja is based on a true story. Very loosely based, but still... effen Norwegians, man! I cannot wait to see this movie. I stole this synopsis from wiki-wiki-Wikipiedia:

Norwegian Ninja (Norwegian: Kommandør Treholt & ninjatroppen) is an upcoming 2010 Norwegian action comedy film, directed by Thomas Cappelen Malling. The film, based on a 2006 book, presents real-life espionage-convicted Arne Treholt as the leader of a ninja group saving Norway during the Cold War.

Producer Eric Vogel said ""Something like this has never been made in Norway before. Or in the world, as far as I know!" I have only seen the trailer but...I have to agree with him.

I have talked enough here's the trailer:

Most bad-ass class photo ever

My Favorite Monologues: Kill Bill vol. 2, Bill's Superman Speech

David Carradine gives one of my favorite speeches, in one of his greatest roles, as Bill in Kill Bill vol. 2. This comes at the end of the two part movie epic and it is a quintessential Tarantino rant a la "Like a Virgin". If you haven't seen Kill Bill vol. 1 or 2 don't worry, this won't spoil the movie for you. Please enjoy.

Happy Memorial Day: Bill Murray's Speech From 'Stripes' and 'Scott Pilgrim' Trailer

As you throw back a couple of hot dogs and beers today, remember those who have given their lives in service to this great country of ours. I like to celebrate with one of my favorite speeches from the movie Stripes, where Bill Murray rally's his troops with an impetuous, yet inspiring, speech about being an American solider.

"It means our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world." I really hate how the second half of this movie turns into "Full Metal Jacket" with a RV future-weapon. It's like if the frat from Animal House all end up in Vietnam at the end.

This was not a good Idea.

And in a holiday non sequitur, they have released the first full length trailer for Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. I'm calling it now... One: this will be the hit of the summer, mostly because this summer it shaping up to be pretty lame. Two: This movie is a game changer, we will see imitators in the near future.

Dennis Hopper: 1936-2010

Dennis Hopper died Today at the age of 74 and he definitely lived one hell of a life. Not only was he an accomplished actor (I'm going to list some movies off here: Rebel Without a Cause, Giant, Easy Rider, Andy Warhol's Screen Tests, True Grit, Apocalypse Now, Hoosiers, Blue Velvet, True Romance, Speed and don't forget he was King Koopa In Super Mario Brothers) Dennis was also a prolific painter and photographer. He might have been "a pain in the neck to work with" (according to David Thomson) but he was an artist that Hollywood badly needed and I doubt anyone will be able to fill the void that his death leaves behind.

Dennis Hopper has a lot of famous and memorable scenes from a long list of good movies but my favorite line of all time comes from Blue Velvet.

It was between this and "Pop-quiz hotshot!"

My Favorite Monologues: Say Anything: Sell, Buy, Process

If there was a speech that epitomized the stereotypes attached to Generation X it is La-Lloyd Dobler's explanation of his future plans to Diane Court's father. But this monologue from Say Anything is also the voice of the idyllic youth that resides in all of us. When I first saw this movie I thought "That's what I want to do too! Except for the kick boxing thing." Lloyd, in a very ballsy move, lays his heart on the table in a innocent, straightforward way that we all wish we could sometimes do. I have quoted it ever since.

Hey, remember Ione Skye? Pretty hot nerd.

My Favorite Monologues: The Goonies: This Is Our Time

Get excited readers because The Anthropomorphic Critic is bringing you a new feature! I will be sharing some of my favorite monologues from my favorite movies, in no particular order... because that would take some sort of planing.

We all need a little inspiration now and then, so to kick it off is a gem from The Goonies where Mikey convinces the other Goonies (even Andy who says she's not a Goonie) to not be rescued by future-date-rapist Troy and continue with their adventure. Who knew an asthmatic could give such a compelling speech?

"Troy's Bucket" sounds like one of those things, you know, like a "Rusty Trombone" or a "Mexican Halloween."

The Lost Finale Reviewed by a Guy Who Only Watched The First Season

I watched the Lost finale last night. It was the first time I had seen an episode of Lost since the end of season one. I know, I know, it's like I planned it, right? Anyway here's my review: I don't get it.

Just Kidding. I got it. Apparently I understood the finale of Lost better than most "Losties" or "Lost Folk" according to their comments and tweets. Some didn't understand the church or the ending at all. This might be because I'm coming into it with a blank slate. That, and I don't have any sort of theories that I have been obsessing over for six years that turned out to be totally wrong.

Honestly though, I wish one of the mysteries of Lost was what my fiancee has always said was on the island (and I secretly hoped was true): Mechanical dinosaurs. How much cooler is a mechanical dinosaur than a smoke monster? Way cooler.

I will tell you here I like the show (remember I've only seen the first season and the finale). I like it mainly because it was different, defyingly so. And I respect that more than any answered questions or loose ends.

Here's some highlights:

The "Final Transmissions" that played during the finale of people saying goodbye to the show really depressed me. Especially the one about the couple who picked their wedding date based on the sum of the numeric code. I really could have done without this information or any of these people's goodbyes. Keep it to yourself, nerds.

I just found out who Jacob is. I instantly don't like him, he's kinda a douche.

Locke's been an evil smoke monster for two seasons? Now I'm glad I didn't watch season five.

It's 9:20 pm and I have no idea what's going on.

I hate vague dialog. Whenever a character had an "awakening" they start talking like a Scientologists. It's really annoying.

Around 10:00 pm I start to wonder if the finale is answering all the questions Lost fans have. I also need another beer.

How did Ben get out from under the fallen tree? He seems ok too. Wouldn't he be kinda hurt, like spinally?

The "Hell Cork" is pretty lame. I would like to hear a good argument in support of the Hell Cork because I can't imagine anybody liking that thing. Might as well of been one of those bathtub stoppers or a bottle cap.

I liked the resolution of the "flash-sideways." It seems to be a good and encompassing explanation to what was going on with this alternate reality. An eternal meeting place is a nice idea and it's made even better by not being on the island. It's not purgatory and that makes me happy.

How come I had to watch Jimmy Kimmel Live to find out where the hell Michael was? The only funny "alternate ending" was the Bob Newhart one. Mainly because I like Bob Newhart.

Overall I thought thought is was a solid finale that left you with a feeling of closure for the show even though it didn't answer every question or tie up all the loose ends. I'm just assuming though, I only watched the first season. I'm now off to read some Lost slash/fan fiction where Locke and Ben end up together and open a resort on the island. With mechanical dinosaurs.

C'mon! You know this would have been awesome. Rrrrrawwwwwor!

A Video of Orphaned Sloths. You heard me.

Sloth in a box

Sloths are one of my favorite animals. Here is an irresistible video of sloths being slothy and adorable.

Meet the sloths from Amphibian Avenger on Vimeo.

Television is a Drug

...And don't I know it. Todd Alcott's poem Television gets the video treatment by Beth Fulton. It's pretty straight forward...no, don't look over there, look at me...now! (via Vimeo)

Television is a drug. from Beth Fulton on Vimeo.

Better Watch Your Back Arizona, Danny Trejo is Pissed:The Machete Trailer

It seems Robert Rodriguez and Ethan Maniqui's new Mexplotation film Machete could not have had better timing in releasing it's first official trailer. Arizona's new (racist) anti illegal immigration law has given this faux Grindhouse movie a new socially relevant political slant. Whoever came up with the opening of this trailer (hopefully Danny Trejo) is a genius.

So sit back and enjoy the first official Trailer to Machete, staring Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba, Robert DeNiro, Don Johnson, Lindsay Lohan, Rose McGowan, Cheech Marin, Michelle Rodriguez and Steven Seagal. Happy Cinco De Mayo!

(Via TDW)

In sadder news, They are making a new Die Hard. Remember how Live Free or Die Hard wasn't really a Die Hard film at all? It was just an unrelated story with a character whose name was also John McClane. It also didn't have blood or swear words. Let's hope this one at least has swear words. Yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker.